


we can find a way to break through (walk through hell with you)

by OsleyaKomWonkru



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Battle for Shallow Valley with a Twist, Canon Divergent, Eden Lives, Episode: s05e10 The Warriors Will, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Octavia has PTSD, People Make Better Decisions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, my favourite bunkerfamily working together with the non-sanctimonious side of spacekru
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-07-14 02:12:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16030838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OsleyaKomWonkru/pseuds/OsleyaKomWonkru
Summary: Niylah, Jackson and Miller prevent Octavia from burning down the hydro farm. When she wakes the next morning with no memory of what transpired after Bellamy poisoned her, their worries about her mental health are confirmed.Knowing that Octavia will never find peace in the bunker, they slip away to Shallow Valley in the dead of night, to find the one group of people who have yet to betray them - the part of Spacekru that stayed in the Valley. Together, the motley crew - and some surprising allies - wage a war without the backing of an army to ensure a future for their people in their rightful home - Shallow Valley.Canon divergent from 5x10 The Warriors Will.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So here I go, with a bit of a longer story... because I like Eden Lives stories (though haven't found many), and I want to explore these options too.
> 
> Since this is canon divergent, it doesn't fit in my The Untold Story of Wonkru 'verse, but I'm still using the bunker story of that series as the basis for here, so you may want to read the main story [there's a letter sealed and unopened for you (we hold it in the most when we're wearing thin)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15794610) for the background story for that (just Octavia's letters, obviously the part with Bellamy doesn't fit this fic 'verse). You don't need that story if you don't want to read it, because it is mostly compliant with show canon (just greatly expanded), but the important thing to know is what I thought was obvious on the show but apparently a lot of people seemed to miss it, and that's that Blodreina is a mask that Octavia wears, our beloved O is still there, just with the weight of the world and the fate of the human race on her shoulders. Also, Niytavia is a thing and they're best friends with Mackson, making the four of them my favourite bunker family.
> 
> There will be a fair amount of discussion of PTSD, so take care of yourself if this is something that affects you too. All of the characters of The 100 have PTSD to some extent, but none more than Octavia, and I think it is a travesty that Bellamy never recognized that (especially given that he did recognize it in Finn in S2). I firmly believe that Octavia was in a dissociative amnesia state from when she woke up after Bellamy poisoned her until a night or so before the battle in the gorge.

Octavia couldn’t believe it.

After everything that had happened here, everything she’d put them through, her people _still_ thought it was preferable to stay here with this new hope rather than fight for the valley.

She understood being sick of war more than any of them. But to live with the ghosts… no no no, she wouldn’t do that. And what if the farm failed again?

No. She wouldn’t allow it. After everything she’d been through, after everything they’d been through, hunkering down in the ruins of Polis, the threats of missiles constantly hanging over their heads… no. They deserved better.

And so Octavia ran. Fleeing the arena, fleeing the place where she’d always held power, and now that power had vanished in an instant. Everything she’d done, everything she’d done to keep them alive, now meaning nothing if they couldn’t have what they deserved.

She didn’t know where she was going, but when her feet stopped moving, it made sense. It always came down to this.

If her people didn’t want to live, she forced them to live. If her people didn’t want to take what they deserved, she made them take it. They wouldn’t go for the valley? She had to make them go for the valley.

She bore it, so they didn’t have to.

She bore it.

She…

Octavia stood there, before the hydrofarm, torch in hand. But two people stood in her way. She looked at them, disbelieving, not understanding why they couldn’t see what she had to do.

“ _Okteivia._ ” Niylah whispered. “Don’t.”

“But I have to.” Couldn’t they see? They’d always seen before.

“It won’t fix anything.” Jackson said. “I know you think it will, but it won’t. Not this time.”

“I can’t stay here.” Octavia said. “I can’t. Not after everything that happened here. I don’t know how anyone can.”

“We don’t need to stay here.” Niylah said softly, moving closer. “ _We_ don’t. _You_ don’t.”

Octavia felt the torch plucked from her hand, and turned to find Miller behind her, extinguishing it in a barrel of water.

“No. No. No.” Octavia looked at the three of them, the people she had always trusted, the people who hadn’t betrayed her even when everyone else had. “No. Please. This is the only way.”

“It isn’t.” Miller said. “And I think you knew that when you told us to stand down.”

“No.” Octavia whispered faintly, panic setting in. “No. No.” Tears started flooding her eyes. “I can’t live like this. I can’t live in this tomb. Not anymore. Not ever.”

“You don’t have to.” Miller said. “I promise. But if you don’t want your brother or any of _them_ to find us, we need to go. Now.”

“I can’t stay here.” Octavia started to sob. “I can’t. I _can’t_.”

She started shaking and Miller grabbed her to hold her upright, and she almost missed the sting of the needle that Jackson pressed into her neck, sending her into unconsciousness, Niylah’s soft voice whispering _it’s okay_ over and over again into her ear.

* * *

Octavia wasn’t sure where she was when she came to. She was wrapped in her cloak, on a cot of some kind, in… ruins? Were they somewhere in Polis that she wasn’t familiar with? It certainly wasn’t the bunker.

How did she end up here? What happened? She tried to think. What was the last thing she remembered?

Bellamy.

Bellamy coming to her, talking to her, sharing rations… then she remembered choking, not being able to breathe, and instead of helping her… Bellamy let it happen. Almost… almost as if he _knew_. As if _he’d_ done it.

Suddenly Octavia couldn’t breathe again, choking for breath, bolting upright, coughing, coughing, coughing.

“Shhh.” Niylah was beside her in an instant, pressing a canteen of cool water into her hand, rubbing her back with her other hand. “It’s okay.”

Having Niylah there calmed her somewhat, she knew Niylah would never hurt her, not like _Bellamy_. She drank the water, and the coughing receded.

“My brother poisoned me.” She croaked out. “ _Bellamy._ ”

Niylah nodded sadly. “We know. And you knew, too, when you put him in the arena.”

Bellamy? In the arena? “ _What?_ ”

“She doesn’t remember.” Octavia registered Miller’s voice beside her as well.

“I thought that might be the case.” Now Jackson, his voice edged with sadness. “Octavia, hey, look at me.”

Octavia looked up to see Jackson kneeling in front of her. “What?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“My _brother_ poisoning me.”

“That was three days ago. He did poison you. But you woke up just one day later. You don’t remember what happened next?”

“No.” Octavia whispered, panic setting in. “No. I don’t. How can I not remember?”

“It happens sometimes.” Jackson explained. “It is called post-traumatic stress. If you’ve gone through trauma - and you’ve been through a lot - any reminder of it or a stressful event can cause you to… it is like your conscious mind is elsewhere. It could be sudden, or you could wake up, and just - you go through the actions, you walk and you talk, but then just as suddenly - you don’t remember what happened during that period of stress. There are other ways it can manifest as well, but that sounds like what happened to you.”

Octavia felt cold. She knew herself. She knew what she was capable of. She’d sank into darkness enough times to know. And if she’d still had control over her mind in those moments - what could have happened now when the rational part of her mind _wasn’t_ there?

“What did I do?”

Jackson started to speak but Niylah silenced him. “That’s not important right now.” Niylah said. “What’s important is for us to look like sandstorms.”

“ _What?_ ” Octavia was confused.

“We’re leaving for the valley.” Miller said. “Tonight.”

“Did you send the worms? Is the army ready to march?”

“No and no.” Niylah said, pulling Octavia in close. “The army isn’t coming. It is just us.”

“What did I do?” Octavia whispered again, voice hollow. “Tell me, what did I _do_?”

“After Bellamy poisoned you, we weren’t sure what was going on.” Miller said. “Though Niylah suspected poisoning. Indra tried to downplay that. She was in on it the whole time.”

“Indra?” Octavia muttered in disbelief. “I knew she wasn’t happy with my plans, but to try to kill me… how could she?”

“We’re getting to that.” Miller continued. “It was all a ploy. She wanted to take over for you, and surrender to the prisoners, so that we’d be able to share the valley.”

Octavia scoffed. “Share the valley. That would be the day. We’ve seen what they’re capable of. We’d be slaves at best. That’s if they didn’t massacre us on sight.”

Miller nodded. “I know. And I reminded her that she wasn’t in command. And the army was ready to march with me, until - Bellamy, Indra and Gaia betrayed not only you, but Clarke too.”

“They used _Madi?_ ” 

Niylah nodded grimly. “I admit, I let Clarke out of prison. So that she could stop it. But it was too late and she turned around and almost killed you instead. I’m so sorry, _ai niron_.”

“It’s okay, _ai niron_. You couldn’t predict that Clarke would do that.” Octavia said, her fingers tracing a path over Niylah’s cheek before she leaned in for a kiss. “Clarke wanted it even less than me, using her to try and stop it was the best plan. You saw the death stare she gave me when I made Madi my second. Madi will be a great leader one day, given the proper training. That’s why I made her my second. But she’s still just a child. Taking on the burden of leadership so young… she’s even younger than I was. I don’t want that for her.”

“You were waking up at that point.” Jackson said. “When you woke up and said that it had been Bellamy that poisoned you - Indra killed your other guard, and knocked me out when I said Bellamy had to be arrested.”

“I’m so sorry.” Octavia whispered. “I’m just glad that she didn’t kill you too.”

“Being a doctor has its perks.” Jackson smiled a half-smile. “I’m more valuable alive.”

“Still. Indra attacked someone I love. That’s unforgivable. And to think I called her _seda_.”

“Clarke lost me above ground, but once I figured out she was coming for you, by the time I got to your room, you had come to an agreement with her about getting Madi out of there.” Niylah continued. “The guards and I arrested Indra. You and Miller went to get Bellamy and Gaia, and arrest them too. It was too late to remove the Flame, so you let Clarke take Madi away in the Rover. The guard who took them there was found dead, rumours abounded that you tried to have them killed, but then Clarke took him out.”

“I don’t remember.” Octavia said honestly. “I don’t know what I could be capable of when I don’t remember. But you must know that I truly don’t want any harm to come to Madi, which is why it infuriates me that Bellamy and Indra would use her like that. I _feel_ for her. She told me her story. She grew up hidden under the floor just like I did. Only hidden from Flamekeepers instead of Ark guards.”

“You saw yourself in her.” Niylah said. “Makes sense, _ai niron_.”

“So I sent Bellamy, Indra and Gaia to the fighting pits?” Octavia asked warily. “I did, didn’t I?”

Miller nodded. “Can’t say that they didn’t deserve it. But I knew you weren’t… I knew you didn’t want to do it. Maybe not in the more technical terms Jackson uses, but I knew that something wasn’t right with you. Your brother betraying you… I can’t imagine how that must have felt. You must not have wanted to process it, and thus you became Blodreina, instead of just wearing the mask of Blodreina. I tried to delay things for a few days, so that hopefully you’d have time to come back to yourself, but it didn’t work out. And so the fight had to happen, if the army was going to march.”

“Who survived?” Octavia asked, dreading the answer, having put off the question as long as she could have.

“They all did.” Niylah said, kissing Octavia’s temple. “Don’t worry. I know you were angry with them - and you have every right to be - but family is family nonetheless.”

“Bellamy may be my blood, and Indra may have been my _seda_ , but you…” Octavia looked at the three of them. “You’re my family. Thank you, for being here.”

“We always will be.” Miller said firmly. “The fight was interrupted. Gaia tried to kill you, by throwing a spear at you, but thankfully she missed. Then Monty and Harper burst into the arena to tell everyone about how they’d restored the hydrofarm with some of the algae that they’d had in space. And that… well, that meant that even more people didn’t want to fight. They want to stay here.”

“No.” Octavia whispered. “They deserve better. After everything, they still want to live with ghosts?”

“I’m not sure why either.” Miller admitted. “But after it was clear that the army wasn’t going to march, you disappeared from the arena. I knew where you were going, and I was right behind you.”

“We’d already beaten you there.” Niylah said, looking at Jackson. “We know what Blodreina asks of you. To do what is necessary to make sure your people survive.”

“I was going to burn the farm, wasn’t I?” Octavia asked, voice flat. “That’s the only thing that makes sense. Yes, that farm would help us survive here, but after everything… my people deserve better. They shouldn’t have to live with the ghosts of what went on here.”

“You were. We stopped you. And that’s what brings us here.” Niylah said. “They might want to stay. But we would never ask that of you, we know the ghosts that haunt you. The ghosts that haunt you so they don’t haunt the rest of us. And so we’ll go to Shallow Valley on our own, and win it ourselves.”

“You think that’s possible?”

“It won’t be easy, but I think it is.” Miller said. “Remember, we have people in the valley. People who, from the sounds of it, have no love for the prisoners and will fight with us.”

“We do?” Octavia knew there were defectors in the valley, but they’d left Wonkru, they were unlikely to fight for Wonkru.

“Raven. Murphy. Emori. Even Echo. Assuming they’re still alive.” Miller said. “I don’t imagine the prisoners are treating them well, even if they do think Echo is a defector. We all heard about the shock collars. We go there, get them out if they haven’t been able to break out, and come up with a plan. Once we’ve got the valley, the rest of Wonkru will follow.”

“We’ve got guns, we’ve got Hazmat suits to protect us from the worms, so that we can cross the desert.” Niylah explained, gesturing to one side of the room that had supplies piled up. “There were still some Sangedakru robes in the storeroom, so we have those for camouflage in the desert. Even if the prisoners regain control of the Eye, we shouldn’t be seen.”

“And if we go over the mountains instead of through one of the passes, they won’t be watching for us there anyway.” Miller said. “We can do this.”

“You’ll leave behind the possibility of safety and security here to come with me?” Octavia asked, very clearly aware of the risks and dangers of the plan.

“Always, _ai niron_.” Niylah said. “Like you said, we’re family. And family doesn’t let family suffer if there’s something that can be done to prevent it. You won’t have peace in that bunker no matter how much the farm flourishes. It would be cruelty to make you stay.”

“What if I forget again? Or worse? Jackson, you said that other things can happen too.”

“They can. And it could happen again. There’s no quick fix.” Jackson said. “After everything you’ve been through, and everything you’ve done for us so that we could sleep easier - it is going to take a long time for your mind to process it in a healthy way. And that needs peace. Something you haven’t had in a long time. Even if all we can do is set up camp in a far corner of the valley and spend our days avoiding the prisoners - that’s still more peace than you’d find in that bunker. So, as your doctor, this is my prescription.”

“What if my _brother_ -” -Octavia spit out the word as if it offended her, which at the moment it did - “-finds us? What if he tries to stop us?”

“Permission to punch him in the face?” Miller asked, a smirk playing around his lips. “He doesn’t seem ready to listen to reason. He doesn’t understand. I don’t think he wants to.”

“He just sees me as his little sister playing a really bloody game of house.” Octavia fumed. “I thought he’d tried to listen, to _understand_ \- but he never did. I don’t even recognize him.”

“You’ve got us.” Jackson said, pulling all four of them together into a hug. “We won’t abandon you. Not like him. Not like Indra. Our new life begins tonight.”

“Thank you. All of you.” Octavia whispered into the air between them. “Tonight it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Stand by You" by Rachel Platten.
> 
> Trigedasleng:
> 
> Ai niron - my love  
> Seda - teacher


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia's group makes radio contact with Echo, and a surprise overture from Madi changes everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigedasleng:
> 
> Heda - Commander  
> Osleya - Champion  
> Seda - Teacher  
> Ekou - Echo  
> Bosh moba - I'm sorry  
> Ai niron - My love  
> Wanheda - Commander of Death (Clarke)  
> Blodreina - Red Queen (Octavia)
> 
> There's also an entire conversation in Trig, but it is translated inline to make it easier. Any grammar mistakes are mine, and one word I had to invent - bigafaya = missiles.

It was on their second day in the desert that Octavia was glad that Miller had planned ahead and taken Bellamy’s walkie-talkie.

_“Belomi, hola. En’s Ekou. Yu na sen ai in?”_ (Bellamy, come in. It’s Echo. Can you hear me?)

Miller held it up, looking at Octavia. Octavia pulled off her helmet, nodding to him. He passed it to her.

_“Nou tagon. En’s… en’s em strisis.”_ (No names. It’s… it’s his little sister.)

_“Weron em kamp raun?”_ (Where is he?)

_“Em nou komba raun. Yu ron of?”_ (He is not coming. Did you escape?)

_“Sen ai op. En’s kiken?”_ (Listen to me. Is he alive?)

_“Sha. Nau sen ai op. Bilaik chilnes kom Louwoda Kliron?”_ (Yes. Now listen to me. Is there peace in Shallow Valley?)

_“Nou. Tu kru kom honon choda throu daun. Oso kom reina ron of. Ripa-hef kom haihefa. Taim em maverik hon in, taim em bigafaya sen op.”_ (No, two factions of prisoners are fighting each other. We escaped with the queen. Reaper-man is king. If he gets the pilot, then he’s sending missiles.)  
 _  
“Maverik kep in klir. Ai bigabro ste der. Ba osir fou kom yu op.”_ (Keep the pilot safe. My big brother is there. But four of us are coming to you.)

_“Osir Heda en em shilkru gada in. Shilkru biyo ething. Ha yu wich in?”_ (We have the Commander and her guard. Guard said everything. How can we trust you?)

Octavia heard Madi and Clarke in the background, arguing with each other and with Echo, and then Madi’s voice came in clear on the radio.

_“Osleya, yu laik yun nodotaim?”_ (Champion, are you yourself again?)

Octavia paused, not sure how to answer. Whether it was Madi’s own cleverness or the Commanders in the Flame helping her, she wasn’t sure, but Madi knew something had been off. And didn’t call her Octavia or Blodreina, but what she’d been known as when she’d saved the human race, members of all the clans, from Praimfaya. It wasn’t a name she’d heard in a long time. But Madi’s use of it - that had to count for something, surely. If Madi was giving her understanding, it was only right that she did the same.

_“Sha, Heda. Bosh moba, ai nou get in taim as klin frag op.”_ (Yes, Commander. I’m sorry, I don’t know if I ordered you killed.)

_“Eintheing nau. Chit don kom au?”_ (That doesn’t matter now. What happened?)

_“Speiskru kom daun ponis moubeda. Fous nou step klin. Ba ai nou na set raun der.”_ (Spacekru restored the farm. Army won’t march. But I can’t stay there.)

_“Ai get in. Ai kom yu emon blinka ai op. Kom ripa-hef nou chilnes. Oso kru nou klir nowe taim en’s kiken. Oso souda wor win au.”_ (I know. I saw it in your eyes. With reaper-man there is no peace. Our people will never be safe if he is alive. We must win this war.)

_“Sha, Heda. Yu gada strat in?”_ (Yes, Commander. You have a plan?)

_“Ai fig raun. Bida osir yo ge hos of kom Rowa. Set raun seim geda oso hit op.”_ (I’m thinking on it. Some of us will come get you in the Rover. Wait in the same place we met.)

_“Mous der.”_ (Almost there.)

_“Os.”_ (Good.) Octavia heard Madi arguing with Clarke in the background again. _“Ai gaf yu in, seda. Ai gaf yu in bilaik Osleya nodotaim. Nami?”_ (I need you, teacher. I need you to be the champion again. Okay?)

_“Sha. Mochof.”_ (Yes. Thank you.)

“Over and out.”

Octavia handed the walkie-talkie back to Miller and stopped for a moment, taking deep breaths as she tried to process her conversation with Madi. Despite Clarke’s, and possibly Echo’s, objections, Madi wanted to work with her. Madi recognized what Octavia was going through. Whether it was her or the Commanders in her head, surely having the knowledge and experiences of who knows how many Commanders and their lives would have exposed her to something akin to what Octavia was experiencing, and given her a sense of understanding that others like Clarke lacked.

She hadn’t wanted Madi burdened with leadership like this. Not at her age and not in this war. But no matter what any of them wanted, there was no going back now. And if Octavia could do right by Madi, and avoid the mistakes that Indra, Abby and Kane had made with her, then maybe that would be the best outcome for everyone.

“You okay?” Jackson asked. “They’re coming to get us - did I hear that right?”

“Yeah.” Octavia said. “Madi… Madi recognized what you all did too. She knows I wasn’t myself. And she wants to work together to take the Valley.”

“You’re going to let that kid take command?” Miller asked incredulously. “She’s a kid. She’s not ready for it.”

“Neither was I.” Octavia said, taking a deep breath and starting to walk again. “But it is what it is. The Flame is in her head, nothing can be done about it now. I took her on as my second. I committed to train and guide her. And if I can succeed where Kane, Abby and Indra failed, then - then she won’t have to live with the ghosts and demons that I do. And we’ll all be better for it.”

Niylah removed her helmet and gave Octavia a kiss. “I have faith in you, _ai niron._ I know you would never ask of her the things that they did of you. That already makes you better than them. Together we will take this valley.”

“Thank you.”

They reached the place in the desert where they’d stopped their trek the first time by mid-afternoon. It wasn’t hard to miss - the blood of her people still soaked the ground. The Rover pulled in an hour before sunset, but the four hung back to wait to see who emerged from it.

Madi jumped out of the driver’s seat, no longer with the bearing of a child but the bearing of a Commander. Echo emerged from the passenger side, but there was no sign of anyone else.

“Clarke’s tied up in the back. Can’t leave her alone with the others for the stories she tells.” Echo said by way of greeting. “I’d tell you my opinion of her and her stories, but I promised _Heda_ that I would be polite about it. As long as Bellamy is alive, we have no quarrel.”

“He’s alive. I never wanted anything to happen to him, Echo. But he _poisoned_ me. How am I supposed to accept that?”

“You’re not. That was reprehensible. And despite what he did to you, you still have more honour than Clarke, who left him for dead, since it seems you left so he could live.”

_“Ekou.”_ Madi warned.

_“Bosh moba, Heda._ But _Osleya_ deserves to know she has allies. I’m sorry you’ll have to share the back with _Wanheda,_ but she wanted to join up with McCreary and we couldn’t let her do that.”

“She wanted to join _him_?” Octavia asked in shock. “He’s the one who wanted to blow us up already in Polis, isn’t he?”

Madi nodded grimly. “He hates us and wants us all to die. I don’t like locking Clarke up, but she was willing to let all of our people die to protect me from you. She doesn’t believe me, but I told her she doesn’t have anything to fear.”

“You don’t. I never wanted this to happen to you, Madi. I know you didn’t want it either. But what’s done is done, and my quarrel is not with you.”

“I know. And I know Clarke is going to have to answer for killing Cooper. Just like Bellamy will for poisoning you. But right now we have a war to win so that we can save our people. We’ll have to find a way to deal with them later.”

“So how do we win this war?” Miller asked. “We’ve got weapons with us, but the prisoners have bigger weapons.”

“We don’t need weapons at all.” Echo said. “We just need time. And Abby.”

“Abby.” Octavia said slowly, her mind already returning to that day four years ago, what Abby had told her, what Abby had made her do…

Before she could vanish into the memories completely, Octavia felt hands on her shoulders, words whispering around her, then the reassuring press of Niylah’s forehead to her own.

“Breathe, _ai niron_.” Niylah whispered. “Breathe. You’re safe.”

Octavia hadn’t even realized she’d stopped, but as she struggled to get oxygen into her lungs, she knew Niylah was right. She focused on Niylah, the soft touch of the other girl’s hands on either side of her face, as she regained her breathing.

Once her breathing calmed, Octavia broke contact with Niylah and looked around at the others. Jackson was hovering next to them, hand on Octavia’s shoulder, while Miller was keeping Echo and Madi back with a look.

“I’m okay.” Octavia whispered. “I’ll be fine.”

“What did she do? Abby?” Madi asked. “I thought Clarke’s mother was a doctor. That she helps people.”

Octavia took a long and deep breath, turning to Madi, forcing a smile. “On good days, she is. She does. But we had a lot of bad days in the bunker. And what she…” How could she explain the impossible choices of the Dark Year to a twelve year old, even if that twelve year old had the wisdom of the past Commanders in her head?

Madi noticed her hesitation. The girl looked to Echo, who nodded. “This has to do with why Kane calls you the devil, doesn’t it? Abby’s involved somehow, isn’t she?”

_“Kane.”_ Octavia’s voice dropped in fury as she tried to push down her anger at the man and focus on Niylah’s soothing touch on her neck. “Kane blames me for _her_ decisions. For what _she_ made me do. So that the human race could survive. The decisions they both asked of me -”

“We’ll deal with that later too.” Madi said, coming closer and standing right in front of Octavia, meeting her gaze with a firm look. “But more than anything, you want to give our people what they deserve, right? A better life in Shallow Valley? A life where they don’t need to fear missiles being dropped on them at any moment?”

“Yes.”

“This is how we do that. Echo and Raven say the prisoners are sick. Abby is healing them with some sort of machine. We get Abby, we get the machine, they have no choice but to stand down and surrender. If they don’t, they die of their illness. Get Abby, save our people. Will you do it, _Osleya?_ Be the champion of our people again?”

“I will. As long as I can choose the people who come with me.”

Madi eyed Niylah, Jackson and Miller, and the way they stood protectively around Octavia. She nodded once. “All right. Let’s get to the cave and we’ll make a plan from there.”

Niylah, Jackson and Miller followed Echo around to the back of the Rover, while Madi hung back with Octavia for a moment.

“Clarke says you’re not the girl from the stories she told me. I don’t believe that. You’re still Octavia, the girl hidden under the floor who became a great warrior who saved all the clans, no matter what you’ve had to do the past six years.”

“Thanks, Madi. But the past six years have been hard. Really hard.”

“Try having a hundred years of other people’s terrible memories and deaths in your head. It’s only been three days, but - there’s so much. They’re a part of me, but not me, but still - I don’t know how to explain it. They don’t all agree with each other, and not all of them agree with what I know to be right. They’re supposed to give me wisdom, but I don’t even know if I want to listen to them.”

“If your heart is telling you not to follow their advice, don’t. It isn’t worth sacrificing your own convictions to satisfy someone else’s. Believe me, I know that better than anyone.”

“See? I knew I was right about you. Thank you, _seda_.”

“I’m no one’s _seda,_ kid. I’m just a screwed-up warrior who has done enough messed up things to know she doesn’t want anyone else to go through the same.”

“And that’s why you’re perfect for the job. Come on.”

Octavia climbed into the back of the Rover, shedding her Hazmat suit by the door with the others, settling into Niylah’s side on the bench. Niylah kissed her temple, holding her close, and Octavia didn’t miss the surprised look on Clarke’s face, though Clarke wisely kept her mouth shut. Their relationship was their own business, not hers.

It was pitch dark when they entered the valley, lights off, but Madi knew the lay of the land, and navigated them to the cave where the others hid. She opened the door to the back, and Octavia jumped out first, taking a moment to breathe in the fresh smell of the forest, much as she had the first time she’d experienced it when they first landed on the ground.

“Beautiful, isn’t it, _ai niron_?” Niylah whispered, taking Octavia’s hand. “I can’t wait to make a home here.”

Octavia smiled, leaning over to give Niylah a kiss. “After we win the war.”

“After we win the war.” Niylah repeated. “When we will have peace.”

“Let’s get inside.” Miller said. “I don’t know if we’re heading out tonight or not, or if the prisoners are patrolling the woods, but we should be out of sight, now.”

They followed Miller’s directive, the foursome heading for the cave with Madi while Echo hauled Clarke out of the back of the Rover.

The cave had more people in it than Octavia had anticipated, and a hush fell over the space as she entered.

Kane stood in the middle of the cave, not hiding, just looking her up and down with his inscrutable look, not saying anything. But she saw a number of defectors shrink back further into the shadows with a terrified whisper of _“Blodreina!”_

“Quiet!” Madi snapped. “ _Osleya_ is here to help us. You speak against her, you speak against me. Is that clear?”

“With all due respect, _Heda,_ I do not think this is wise.” Kane said, his eyes still on Octavia. “We all left Polis to escape from her.”

Madi looked at him with untrusting eyes. “I will deal with you later. _Osleya,_ choose your team. We leave immediately. Leave enough trusted soldiers here to guard those we do not trust.”

“Don’t worry, I can handle them.” Echo said, eyeing Kane with distrust as she shoved Clarke to the far back corner of the cave. “Raven and Shaw and I will keep this place locked down.”

“So here she is, the fearsome Queen of the Grounders.” Murphy said, emerging from an alcove to the left and looking Octavia over. “Six years have given you a fierce new look.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “Nice to see you too, Murphy.”

“What’s the mission? You need muscle?”

“If you’re volunteering.” Octavia said. “We’re going in to get Abby and the machine out.”

“McCreary’s going to have that building locked down, you know that.”

“That’s why we need people who are adept at being sneaky. No guns. Blades and hand-to-hand only. They call you the cockroach, that sound like something you can do?”

Murphy inclined his head. “I’m in. Emori? You’re sure good with a blade.”

“I’m in too.” Emori said, appearing from the same alcove, adjusting her scarf and smirking. “You know the bite of my blade better than most, John.”

Octavia turned to Miller. “You with me?”

“You know I am.”

Kane finally took his eyes off Octavia and looked at Madi. “ _Heda,_ you need someone on this mission who cares about Abby. Someone she trusts, otherwise she’ll never go with them.”

Madi stared him down. “Then we just take the machine and what happens to her is not my concern. My concern is saving my people from McCreary, and if I have to sacrifice her to do it, I will.”

“Madi, no.” Clarke cried from the corner Echo shoved her in, scrambling back to the middle of the cave. “Don’t let my mother die.”

“I don’t want to, Clarke. But I can’t make her choice for her.”

“ _Heda_ , would you really sacrifice our doctor?” Kane asked. “We need her. People are injured. Diyoza’s unborn child needs Abby’s care as well.”

“Abby’s not the only doctor on this planet, Kane.” Octavia said. “If anyone here needs a doctor, Jackson, you can help them, can’t you?”

“Of course. I brought a medkit.” Jackson squeezed Octavia’s shoulder and gave Miller a kiss before heading deeper into the cave towards the defectors. “If anyone needs help, just come to me.”

Octavia turned to Niylah. “Your choice. Do you want to stay here or do you want to come with us? Things will get dangerous.”

“I’m with you.” Niylah said firmly. “You know I’m good with a blade, and if any of you need medical attention, I’ve got the other medkit.”

“Will a six-person team do, _Heda_?” Octavia asked.

“Perfect. Get your weapons and let’s head out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #JacksonIsADoctorToo ... people often forget this. Luckily Octavia's around to remind them ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia and Madi lead the mission to retrieve Abby, and Octavia makes a risky play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back to this story! Sorry for the delay with it, was walking across France and Spain, and then put most of my Nanowrimo efforts into The Untold Story of Wonkru 'verse. But there's more to come on this one too ;)
> 
> There be bloody violence in this chapter.
> 
> Trigedasleng (could have a few errors, couldn't check since the Trigedasleng website is down):
> 
> Ai niron - my love  
> Bak op au - Go back  
> Get raun der - Wait there

They didn’t risk bringing the Rover in that close. It was the one advantage that they had, and thus Madi insisted they make the two hour trek on foot, trusting her familiarity with the woods to avoid making a sound.

Octavia spent the trek worrying - how they would manage, how she’d prove to her people that everything she did was _for them,_ knowing that they may still never forgive her. Knowing they might never understand - that _Bellamy_ might never understand.

She turned to Niylah, halting their steps for the moment. Madi saw their shapes pause in the dark and held up a hand to halt the rest of the group.

“Niylah, I… I don’t know what we’re walking into. What we might have to do. What _I_ might have to do. Do you trust me?”

“You know I do.”

“I… I might have to give in to Blodreina. To let _her_ take control. But you remember why she exists, right?”

“To protect us. Because you love us so much that you’ll do whatever it takes to save us.”

“Especially you. Don’t forget that.”

“I hope this isn’t some speech that you intend on sacrificing yourself for us, _ai niron._ I love you.”

“I love you too. And I promise. I will always fight my way back to you. I just need you to trust that Blodreina will too.”

“Then I need you to trust me. That I’ll bring _Okteivia_ back if you get in too deep.”

Octavia nodded wordlessly, clutching at the sides of Niylah’s face pressing their lips together desperately, pouring as much of herself into the kiss as she could, trying to fight her tears back.

“It’s okay, _ai niron.”_ Niylah whispered, stroking Octavia’s hair. “It’s okay. We can do this.”

“We’re close.” Madi interrupted. “We should move faster. We need to be back to the cave by daybreak.”

“At least the Commander is willing to interrupt a romantic moment even if the rest of us aren’t.” Murphy drawled, earning himself elbows in the ribs from both Miller and Emori.

“She’s right.” Octavia said, stepping back from Niylah, swiping her tears away. “Let’s do this. Miller, Murphy, you take the machine. Emori, Niylah, you guard them. Madi and I will take Abby. We clear?”

Everyone murmured in agreement. They resumed their trek, following in Madi’s footsteps as they moved closer to the far side of the village, and the building where Murphy said Abby was being held.

As they passed along the edge of the clearing, they could see two guards posted at the front of the building, who appeared more interested in playing cards by the light of the floodlight illuminating the front of the building.

“There will be more in the back.” Murphy whispered into Octavia’s ear. “After we tried getting Abby out during the fight, they’ll have guards on the back too.”

Octavia nodded, pulling out her dagger, all of the others following suit. They moved slowly, carefully, around to the back of the building, where they heard the guards before they saw them - four convicts playing a game of soccer, weapons down, not even watching their post properly.

Octavia motioned with one hand for half of the group to go wide to the other side of the small dimly lit clearing, and Madi, Murphy and Emori complied. Octavia, Miller and Niylah moved into position in the dark on the close side.

As soon as Octavia saw Madi’s blade catch the dim light as she raised it to signal their position, those closest all moved as one to cut the throats of the closest convicts. None of them even had a chance to shout a warning as blades slid easily through skin, spilling their blood across the ground.

Miller and Emori kept watch as Octavia, Niylah, Madi and Murphy eased their kills to the ground quietly, to avoid alerting anyone else in the vicinity. Octavia felt the blood of her enemy dripping down her hands as she pulled her kill towards the bushes to roll him out of sight. The feel of blood was familiar, but she resisted the pull to put on her mask. It might not even be necessary, she told herself. And it wouldn’t help in convincing Abby to come with them.

But it was there on her hands if she needed it.

Bodies out of sight, the group slipped up the steps, Octavia opening the door silently so Murphy and Madi could be the first in the door, the others following, hoping that whatever limited rapport Murphy had with Abby would be enough.

What they didn’t expect upon entering, however, was Abby kneeling on the floor, retching, her body clearly shaking with the effort.

Murphy and Emori moved silently to her side, Madi and Wonkru staying back, surveying the room, looking for the machine. Niylah opened a box, surveying the equipment in it, glancing to the table above. She motioned to Miller and he began dismantling the last of the contraption, placing the pieces carefully in the box.

Whatever Murphy and Emori had said to Abby seemed to be sufficient for Murphy to be able to lift her up in his arms, but as soon as they turned and she saw Octavia, she fought to get down, about to yell when Emori clamped a hand over her mouth.

The two kept a hold on her as they brought her closer to Octavia and the back door.

“I’m not here to hurt you, Abby.” Octavia whispered. “We’re here to get you out. Take you to Kane. And Clarke. They’re both just fine. You don’t need to be afraid of me.”

Miller and Niylah had the machine ready to go and they looked to Octavia for further direction. Given the current setup, roles would have to change.

“Get her out of here.” Octavia said to Murphy in a low voice. “Madi and I will guard the machine.”

Abby started kicking furiously, despite Murphy and Emori’s attempts to contain her. One of her kicks sent the table flying over, and Octavia heard the front door beginning to open, guards ready to charge in.

“Change of plans.” Octavia growled, swiping her bloody hand haphazardly over her face. “Give her to me. _Bak op au! Madi, Emori, get raun der!_ The rest of you, _go!”_

Murphy let go of Abby in front of Octavia, who immediately held Abby’s struggling form to her chest, clamping a bloody hand on her sternum and pressing the dagger to her throat. Abby stopped struggling.

“I am telling the truth. I really don’t want to hurt you, Abby.” Octavia said as the others disappeared out the back as the guards came in the front. “Despite everything, I want to get you out of here safe. But you need to do exactly what I say.”

The guards stopped short when they saw Octavia with a knife to Abby’s throat. They appraised her curiously.

“You’re that freaky chick from the bunker.” One of them said. “How the hell did you get here?”

“Kill me and you never find out.” Octavia said in her best Blodreina voice. “And if I kill her, you never get cured.”

The two looked at each other and shrugged. “We’re already healed. We were on Diyoza’s team until we turned on her.”

“Then you won’t mind if she goes now, will you? Since you’re all set? Nothing to worry about?”

“McCreary will kill us if we let her escape. We’re not that stupid.”

“But you get something better.” Octavia said, pressing the dagger more firmly to Abby’s neck. “Something McCreary will be excited to have.”

“And what’s that?”

“Me.”

The two looked at each other, unsure.

“I’ll come without a fight. Just let her go. If you don’t… you won’t know how I got here, and that means the rest of my army could descend on you at any moment. I can stop that. Because if they get their hands on you… you’re all dead.” She cocked her head with a grin. “Or worse.”

“Fine.” One of them said quickly. “The doctor goes. You come with us. Drop your weapon.”

Octavia dropped the dagger, spinning and pushing Abby towards the door. To Octavia’s relief, Abby ran as fast as she was able, and through the door Octavia saw Madi and Emori help her as soon as she was out, the three disappearing into the forest after Niylah, Miller and Murphy.

Octavia raised her hands in surrender and turned back to the convicts, smiling even more, which seemed to unnerve them even more. Good. The more time she could buy for the others to get away clean, the better.

“Let’s go.” She said.

The convicts looked at each other again, each daring the other to approach Octavia, until finally they both relented, each wrenching an arm behind her back.

“Maybe… maybe don’t mention the fact that we let the doctor go?” one of them said. “Just… just that we somehow got you.”

Octavia shrugged. “All the same to me. Just take me to McCreary.”

The longer the lead time she could give her people to escape, the better.

They hustled her out the front door of the building, causing a commotion when the other convicts on guard duty saw who they had in custody. Several more joined in on guard as they pushed her through the forest towards the ship.

Someone must have radioed ahead, because Octavia saw McCreary standing in the doorway of the ship as they moved into the clearing in front of it, eyes firmly on her. McCreary motioned with his head and the guards pushed her down a hall and into a small room, slamming the door behind her.

Octavia surveyed her surroundings. It wasn’t a cell, rather it appeared to be an interrogation room, table and chairs and some technological items she wasn’t familiar with locked to a wall. She wondered if she should be afraid, but as Blodreina began to scratch at the edges of her consciousness even more, she knew that nothing that they could do to her could compare to the horrors she already lived with.

Physical pain, that didn’t scare her. That healed. Or you learned to deal with the long term effects. Like the ache in her side from Echo’s blade. Mental pain, mental torment… that was something different. But that wasn’t something McCreary could subject her to. Not anymore. So she took a seat in one of the chairs, dropping her grin and plastering on an expression of boredom instead.

About half an hour later, McCreary finally came in the door. Octavia saw guards out in the hall by the door, but he entered alone, closing the door behind him.

“Now how the hell did you get into my camp?” McCreary asked, taking a seat across from her.

Octavia folded her hands on the table indifferently and shrugged. “Walked in. Wasn’t hard. Your convicts lack discipline.”

“Why are you here?”

“To tell you that your time is up. The valley is ours.”

“That’s not a message a leader shows up to announce.” McCreary said. “No. There’s something else going on. The idiots I have to deal with might not see it, but I do. I might not be Diyoza, little girl, but I do know when I’m being played.”

“And what game do you think I’m playing?”

“Doesn’t matter. You’re playing it with the big boys now. Whatever gladiator games you were playing with your cult down there, take off your training wheels. We’re real criminals here.”

Octavia shrugged again. “Is that supposed to scare me? I’ve been a criminal my entire life. Except, of course, the last six years. Because _I_ made the rules. Because _I_ decided who lived and who died. Because _I_ decided what was a crime and what was not. Because _I_ dictated what had to happen to live or die.” She looked McCreary straight in the eye. “People preferred the days when I was a criminal and not a ruler.”

McCreary was unfazed. “You want to compare rap sheets? Is that what it’s gonna be?”

“I’ve cleared my schedule.”

McCreary tried to stifle a cough, but it turned into a full-blown hacking cough fit that he couldn’t hide. When he turned back to Octavia, she raised an eyebrow at him.

“That doesn’t sound healthy.” 

“It’s being dealt with.”

“If you say so.”

McCreary leaned back in his chair. “So. Tell me. When did you start your life of crime?”

“When I drew my first breath.”

“Explain.”

“On the Ark, the space station where I was born, there was a one-child rule. And you’ve met my older brother Bellamy.”

“But doesn’t that make your mother a criminal, not you?”

“All the same to the Ark. My mother and brother hid me for sixteen years. When I was found out, my mother was executed and I was locked up.” Octavia shrugged. “Didn’t make much of a difference. I’d already been locked up for sixteen years, only the scenery changed and I didn’t need to hide under the floor anymore.”

“But you dress and talk and act like those savages from the ground.”

Octavia slammed her hands on the table and stood up, glaring down at McCreary. “Those _savages_ are the first people who accepted me as one of them. When my own people didn’t accept me, they did. I learned to fight like one of them, how to talk like one of them. Until I became one of them.”

“You loved one of them, didn’t you?” McCreary asked, standing up, face only inches away from Octavia’s. “You did. I can see it. No one goes merrily into a new society like that unless they’ve got something to gain from it. Like if they’re chasing tail.”

Octavia clamped down on her growing rage at the way he was talking about Lincoln, knowing that lashing out wouldn’t serve her purpose. So she sat back down, looking up at McCreary with a dead look.

“I did. And he’s dead. Because of me. He was one of the first. But certainly not one of the last. How many people have you killed, McCreary? Clarke mentioned that you were a mass murderer. I wonder if you even compare to some of us, and what we’ve done to survive.”

“That’s what separates us, isn’t it?” McCreary asked. “I didn’t have to kill the people I killed. So what, are you here to make me feel bad about it? Pull the moral high ground?”

“Dead is dead.” Octavia said. “I don’t care why you killed the people you did. I only care that you understand who you’re dealing with here. You may have done things for fun, or for the thrill of it, but do you know what you’re capable of when survival is on the line? When the people you kill are people you care about? When you’ve done everything you can to keep them alive, and now you have to not only watch them die, but pull the trigger yourself?”

McCreary shrugged. “I don’t love anyone. Not anymore. Anyone I had left died a hundred years ago. So your hypotheticals don’t work on me.”

“They might be hypotheticals to you, but they’re not to me. That’s what you need to understand. My people have done all of that. They’ll do anything to you to survive because they’ve already done worse. You don’t scare them. You don’t scare me. Compared to what we’ve seen, you’re nothing but a bunch of overgrown boys playing with your toys. You don’t know what true evil is.”

McCreary grabbed Octavia by the throat and threw her across the room like a rag doll. She felt the wall hit her back and she grunted as she dropped to the floor, rolling to her feet, eyes back on McCreary as he punched in a code and grabbed one of the items on the wall at random.

“Your freaky chick act doesn’t scare me.” He said, pointing the device at Octavia and pressing a button on the side.

Four wires shot out of the device, and Octavia didn’t move a muscle, knowing she could try to run from it, but McCreary had plenty of other toys at his disposal. She knew she needed to get McCreary both comfortable in his supposed victory and away from the other items on the wall.

Because she’d seen him punch in the code. And he was still underestimating her.

Octavia didn’t make a sound as two of the arrowhead barbs implanted in her skin, one in her left bicep, just shy of the worm injury, the other in a gap in her armor on her shoulder. The other two bounced harmlessly off her armor and to the ground.

She didn’t feel the buzz of electricity, so she was fairly certain it wasn’t a stun gun. McCreary appraised her as she didn’t move let alone flinch, and pressed a second button. She felt the barbs start to vibrate and burrow into the muscle, but she kept her expression steady. She remembered how the worm felt, and this wasn’t even close to that.

“That’s it?” Octavia spat at McCreary, raising her right hand to rip off the bandage on her left forearm. “This is where a parasitic worm burrowed its way into my skin last week.” She ripped off the bandage on her bicep. “And this is where Clarke cut it out of my arm. Your _toy_ doesn’t scare me.”

Though the barbs were still burrowing into her muscles, and she could feel the blood dripping down her chest and arm, she didn’t let the pain show and moved back over to the table, sitting cross-legged on it instead of in the chair, staring McCreary down.

“What else you got?” She snarled at him, keeping his focus on her face and her wounds as she wound up the cords and palmed the barbs that hadn’t hit her. They vibrated and scratched at her hands, but all she needed was for McCreary to get in a bit too close, and it would be game over.

And Octavia was ready to play the long game if needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, what are Octavia's plans for McCreary? I guess we'll find out ;)


End file.
